The story of the Mansion
Lost in the woods I found an old mansion hesitant to go in, I heard a scream from behind me. Then, I was running to the mansion. I opened the door, inside was warm so I followed the heat, what I found was not what I expected, it was a feast. The table was set up with a candle in the middle and as the flame flickered and then went out I heard the front door open. I hid behind a chair. And it was a man holding an axe, and when he left I let out a breath, then he jumped back grabbed me...
And now I wander these halls.
Im very confused, you were in a forest then a mansion. and why was there a guy in the house then just left i dont really understand. In the 3rd sentence you forgot to capitalize your I.
ReplyDeleteGood start but your story as too many I's you might want to change it also in your third sentence you forgot to capital your I. Your story is confusing to me you might want to add some commas to make it better and I got confused at the guy part. Also you might want to use some descriptive language.
ReplyDeleteYou n3ed to review your punctuation
ReplyDeleteYou n3ed to review your punctuation
ReplyDeleteI like you ending. But, you said that you saw a old mansion and you hesitated to go in. Why would you just want to go in a random mansion? And when you say "I heard a scream from behind me. Then, I was running to the mansion." I think you could say "all of a sudden, I heard a scream, and I into the mansion." And also, in the end you said "then he jumped back grabbed me..." I think you should put a comma after "back" also after you put the comma, put "and" so that it's like "then he jumped back,(comma) THEN grabbed me." And when you say that you followed the heat, I think you could say that you could smell food, and you were looking for where the smell was coming from.
ReplyDelete