“NEXT!” The grim reaper called as I joined the queue. it took eons literally eons before it was my turn “what's your name?” He said sounding displeased
“Julian Christ”
“Oh my! Please forgive me” he said shocked “Oh God!" He sang
“WHAAAAAAT! I WAS SLEEEEEEPIIIINNNNGGG!" He roared
“Ahhhhhhhh!” I screamed like I was trying to break glass
“Oh it's nothing just your grandson!” The grim reaper yelled at him
“Knew I should've hired a shinigami” God moaned
“Don't you speak of those horrible fiends!” He snapped
“Shut up both of you!” I roared
The grim reaper grinned“Why you little bug”
And it all went black…
“Julian Christ”
“Oh my! Please forgive me” he said shocked “Oh God!" He sang
“WHAAAAAAT! I WAS SLEEEEEEPIIIINNNNGGG!" He roared
“Ahhhhhhhh!” I screamed like I was trying to break glass
“Oh it's nothing just your grandson!” The grim reaper yelled at him
“Knew I should've hired a shinigami” God moaned
“Don't you speak of those horrible fiends!” He snapped
“Shut up both of you!” I roared
The grim reaper grinned“Why you little bug”
Interesting. What is a Shinigami?
ReplyDeleteNeeds some work on punctuation. For example:period at the end of 'queue'. Capital'I' for 'It' (result of the period). Talk it out loud; that helps me find the natural breaks to add commas and periods.
I am a little concerned with the words 'Christ' and use of 'god'.
If you use 'god' as the holy spirit; then it would be always spelled 'God'
Great use of vocabulary.
I like your story. Maybe next time use more powerful words, but your story was pretty good.
ReplyDeleteTanks I'll work on that next week
ReplyDeleteYour story is confusing, I don't really get what is happening. Where the Grim Reaper says" Why you little bug" you need to put a comma before the quotations and when he stops talking you need to put a period.
ReplyDeleteYour story is somewhat confusing. So much dialogue but hard to tell what the content of the story is about.
ReplyDeleteYour story is a bit confusing and you need to check the begging of your sentences to make sure there capitals. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDelete