The Dream
As I swam through a floating river, suddenly out of the clouds an orange dragon appeared. Then I was in armour about to fight the fierce creature in a tough battle, about to deal the final blow, the dragon called out an army of his own. I was petrified, but, I snapped out of it so I guided my army, just then thunder broke the silence and I was in my orange pyjamas, I was in the kitchen slashing the air with a knife so I put it away and went to bed.
As I swam through a floating river, suddenly out of the clouds an orange dragon appeared. Then I was in armour about to fight the fierce creature in a tough battle, about to deal the final blow, the dragon called out an army of his own. I was petrified, but, I snapped out of it so I guided my army, just then thunder broke the silence and I was in my orange pyjamas, I was in the kitchen slashing the air with a knife so I put it away and went to bed.
Good story but you need a comma after floating river. You might want to improve. Your story is very choppy you might want to improve on it by adding commas to make it better. Otherwise it's a good story.
ReplyDeleteI think you mean an orange dragon. You story is a little bit choppy and confusing, like Bob said. I find it a bit 'and then this', like your ideas are all jumbled together. You might want to read it out loud to catch grammar mistakes.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Cocopuff, your story is choppy and confusing at some points. It's very imaginative though! Your last sentence doesn't make a lot of sense to me, so maybe think about going back and reading it aloud, like Cocopuff said, to catch those sore of things.
ReplyDeleteGood story! But I think you should put a comma after "Then" in the second sentence. And, put a comma after "armour" also when you say "about to deal the the final blow..." I think you should have a comma after "blow." You should also have a comma, when you say "I snapped out of it..." You should have a comma after "it." And you should have a comma after "silence" when you say "thunder broke the silence..." also have a comma after "orange pyjamas." And have a comma after "stairs" in the last sentence.
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